The 64 Pound Journey

“The scars of your love, remind me of us. They keep me thinking that we almost had it all”- Adele.

Im maintaining. Which is fine. Considering my level of activity. I’ve been slacking off on the working out, sleeping late, when I could be waking up to a 3 hour workout. I havent been eating right, since our local pizzeria sent us coupons for free pies(not to mention the cheesy bread). I think the only reason for not gaining is the fact that I still manage to keep up with the daily housework and running back and forth after my 1 year old who is starting to walk more and more every day.

I am motivated by the wrong things, and that may be the reason for my slacking. I see these glamorous bodies on TV, in the magazines, in my favorite stores, in my favorite online stores. Its never ending, but of course, its always when Im sitting my ass down feeling lazy lol.

Major reason: Vitamins. I need them. I SEVERELY need them. I know I should be eating more veggies and nuts, the right portion of healthy meats and blah blah blah but lets be realistic. I live with a very hard headed man who doesnt like food unless its fried in oil with a side of something, anything starchy. I have made the most delicious healthy foods and he has turned his head to them a million times. No exuse, I can cook for myself! Sure, until he brings home Oreos and buttery round crackers. Ive had the hour long convos with him about it too. I deal with it, but its a lot harder than people make it to be. Back to my area of subject… I dont eat right, and its showing. My skin, my hair and now… my strength. I am weak and lazy and I know that vitamins have a huge role in that area. So, I need to buy them… ASAP! I remember a while back I was on a role with them, and I felt good. If I went one day without them, I was depressed, fatigued and tired!

Ive been feeling good though, aside from the fatigue. I havent weighed in and probably wont weigh in until next month. I need to get back on track healthwise before I actually track my diet.

Hope you all enjoyed Vday with the ones you love! Today was a great day. I started out with the usual flowers and chocolate, breakfast with my little family and my gift! The Kinect! I only just heard of it about a week ago and have been going bonkers over it ever since. So, hubby bought it for me for vday!

Well, I played for 3 hours non stop and have to say, I am burnt! My body is like jello. What an amazing idea. I cant wait to see the results!

I have been eating like a pig this week, but I havent slacked at all on my workouts, so at worse, I didnt lose anything, but at best, I didnt gain either. We’ll see on weigh in date, which is… tomorrow!!! eeeekkk!!

Its been months since I logged into bs. Its normal with me, I go at it for so long, and dissapointment sets in… which is followed by my secluding myself from everyone, including my motivation. Well, since then, I have lost a weak 20+ pounds(were talking over 6 months!). Did so by dieting and binging, and dieting and binging again… Yeah, not so healthy! Life has thrown me some rough times which still haunt me today, but I am fighting myself on a daily basis to smile and try my best to be positive, if not for me, then for my little girl. I guess it never is easy.

School… It was what kept my head up… but, last month a tragedy occured in my life that forced me to walk away from it. I finished up my semester and canceled this entire year. No going back until the end of this year(the class I need to take as a prerequisite for other classes is only taught once a year). That beats me brutally every day, and the bruises, although invisible, hurt worse than any bruise I have ever seen on my body. I can only be proud of myself for keeping my GPA at 3.9. My glass is half full, but waiting for the other half is a killer.

Weight… I hate it. My body, my size, my figure… I moved out of my mothers place and into my fiance’s. With mom I had so much help with my baby. Here, I have none. I became a housewife/homemaker with no ease into it. I went from feeling free to feeling responsibility crash down on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. I wake up, clean, play time with my little girl, cook, clean up the mess from cooking, iron hubs clothes, and take care of the dogs all the while trying to tend to the needs of my family (who call me so much that my phones ear hurts) while changing or feeding my princess! lol..

I do have time for me, and I do blame only me for not using that time wisely. I dont want to sound like one of those “oh, poor me” stay at home moms… I choose to use my time(from 11pm-3am) to catch up on TV shows, online social networks and pretty much sit my ass down. I dont do my hair(its been in the same pony tail for two days now), I take a shower and it ends up in the same ponytail as it was before getting in the shower. The hardest part of all of this… I always said I would never be one of those people who.. dreading to say these words… let myself go. But… I did.  

So ermm… I am obviously very late on this, as I searched forums and posts and couldnt find anything on this, but where the hell is my Nancy? I have looked to find a last post, or anything from her- to see how she is doing, but havent found anything. I used to have her number in my old phone but a few months ago it was stolen… with all my contact info!!! grrr.. I can only pray that she is okay!

Well, it’s Monday! This weekend wasn’t so bad. The weight- has been dropping at a steady pace. Today, however, I have the worst carb craving’s. I have eaten 2 of my atkins bars already, and I’m sure that they won’t be it. They are awesome tasting, but eating too much of them defeats the purpose and eats my wallet! Pasta, bread, soup, everything. I just want those damn carbs! lol

I’m down another pound. My scale said 203, but knowing the scale, who tells me 20 different weights in a single minute- it could be wrong. I feel good though, which is why I am enjoying this low sugar eating. I’m not tired and I dont feel lazy. My body is loving me.

Last nights dinner was balsamic chicken, shrimp and broccoli.

Tonight- Using the Atkins flour to make some chicken strips and thinking of something to come up with out of ground turkey. Not in the mood for burgers. :-/ Hrm.

I’ve been doing really good on Atkins, besides making the insensible choice of eating Chinese yesterday, I haven’t gained one pound. In fact, I think I lost, because Chinese holds a lot of sodium + tom is on his way. I jumped right back on today, and with success- No cravings or urges to eat junk. I am loving the low carb lifestyle. Speaking of weight, I need a new scale. Desperately. Today, I used the highest number it showed me out of exactly ten weigh in’s. If the scale was off by ounces, it wouldn’t be a big deal to me- but its off my 5lbs at a time! Not cool!

My bf and I have been arguing a lot. Mainly about stupid things, I think it all stems from such a drastic change of us no longer living with each other. I hate our situation, but I love him- so we both get confused sometimes and pick out our anger on each other. Next Saturday we make 6 years together. Six whole years- of my life- with him(technically I started dating him when I was 15 so we’ve been together a total of 9). I sometimes wonder how the hell I held on for so long. I’m the foundation of the relationship- but now he’s attached beyond breakage, and even when I want out, he pulls me back in :-/.

I can’t believe my trip to the Bahamas is a mere two weeks away. Nor can I believe(or want to believe) that school starts as soon as I get back. I’ve got a long and crazy half year ahead of me- full of struggles and equal amounts of happiness. I just hope that I make it through, because in the end, its not about how fast you get where you’re going, its about whether or not you get there.

On the other side, where the grass is a bit greener- I’m in a good mood today, yet fearful of whats to come. It always seems as though when I am feeling good- the world senses it, and tries to break me. Not today! Well guys- just wanted to come on in and say hi! I miss you guys so much and only wish I had more time to read up on blogs!!! Hugs!

First off, I’d like to thank you guys for showing support on my last blog. I was really angry and had nowhere to turn at that time at night. It made me feel depressed and disgusted with the world. You guys are awesome though… Truly amazing- all of you. I’m so happy to have such a strong group of real women(and the few men). Stay strong. And yes- thick is beautiful!!! Having flesh on your bones is beautiful!!! We were not created to have our bones protruding from our skin- we are not lizards!

So I am exactly one week on this Atkins thing. How do I feel? Well, to be honest- I feel good. Contrary to what I have preached to other’s about this diet- Atkins does in fact make sense. Although I do not believe in “diets” per say, Atkins IS in fact, about eating healthy. Eat protein- Cut the sugar- Sounds right to me! I tried “Atkins” when I was about 16, and I did lose weight, but there were many reasons why I failed. A. I wasn’t eating carbs! Carbs, are an essential part of Atkins. B. I was loading up on red meats(now I dont eat red meat at all). C. I was using unhealthy oils and sometimes barely eating atr all! Back then, however, I had no idea what I was doing. Fail.

Now, I’ve been actually having fun! I play around with my meals, experimenting with poultry and seasonings. Today, for example, I cooked myself some cubed turkey, marinated in balsamic vinegar(2g), put some pepper on it and fried it with a drop of olive oil. Once it began to brown, I added some shrimp. I then boiled some broccoli and had 2 cups of it as a side dish. So, this part of Atkins is slightly hard, but what isn’t? It isn’t easy to get up and work out everyday either, it isnt easy to limit portions. What I do know is that I’m not hungry and I dont feel deprived. After having been on their website all day, I realized that Atkins is half perfect. I say half because a lot of their recipes and products are high in fat, and they dont stress how bad fat is enough. However, if you’re eating something fat free- your eating something full of something else. Everything has a substitute. I take it upon myself to try and eat only healthy fats, and make little choices like removing the skin from my chicken- making sure I eat enough calories per day(this is maybe the hardest for me, because so much of what I eat is low caloric).

I have one week left of this- but depending on how well I feel during week two- I might just follow into phase 2 & 3(mind you, I had no idea their were phases until like a month ago lmao). I was never a fan of sugar- and I hate how it makes me feel. I dont like fatty foods- because I dont like the way they make me feel. I love carbs- but good carbs- fiber for one. But sugar and fillers should not be a part of my diet.

Well, I just thought I should let you guys know how I am doing. I miss you guys so much– but its getting close to my semester and my cruise- top that off my mother is leaving for a week and a half on Thursday. So I am pretty hectic these couple of days. I hope you all are doing well- I wish you all the luck in the world and will continue to keep you all updated! Hugs♥♥♥

I’m blogging for the second time today because I have some serious anger in me right now and its about weight, and understanding a certain type of man- and a lot of you might be able to relate-. I was discussing my bf’s coworkers when we began talking about one of his coworkers, who’s name is Mokinah(last name- they’re officer’s). Mokinah is a below average looking man. I personally wouldnt give him the time or day, but to each their own. However, Mokinah has a problem keeping his thoughts to himself. About a year ago, he asked my bf “Why do you even stay with her? With a car like that, you could do so much better!”. This, I heard accidentally when he forgot to hang up his phone while at work one day. He despises big girls… his gf looks to be about 140 lbs and he calls her fat(mind you, hes pretty fat himself!). Today, during our conversation- he spills it. He sometimes forget’s that I am his gf and he’ll go on and on, not realizing that I’m more than just his best friend(which I dont mind because sometimes I enjoy him letting go).

He begins telling me that Mokinah always has something to say about other peoples gf’s(who else?). He proceeds to tell me that he’s bragging about how skinny his ex gf’s were(yeah right!) and how he only likes women who look like model’s.

Here’s my take on those VERY picky men. I say VERY picky because everyone has a certain type that they go after, but Im talking about those men who look at a girl who is maybe 10 pounds overweight and say “errgghh I’d never go out with her”. These men, they could never go out with “her”, so to make themselves feel better, they put up a defense. “Since I can never be with a beautiful, real girl like that, I’ll just never try.. as a matter of fact, I’ll tell myself I hate them”. Easy. Done.

He’s a coward. He could never be with a beautiful girl(his gf has a face only a mother could love), and he could never be with a respectable girl(she also slept with about 10 different guys while with him). He’s the kind of guy who knows he can only find what everyone else can find, so he take’s what he can get. He says he loves the models… No one can get the models… He say’s he hates realness… Realness is rare!!!

To all my thick, curvey, strong, sexy women—- Stay strong, beautiful, and thick! Whether its muscle or meat—- Thick is sexy, Thick is strong, Thick belongs!!! Bones are wrong! God made us with flesh and meat- so we need to keep this flesh and meat(I dont mean 100 pounds of it— but you know what I mean).

Well buddies– I had to vent tonight- hope you dont mind! This man just made me lose my damn mind! I know I have issues with what people say- There’s just some people who urk me and that will never change.

So Monday will make a week that I have been doing Atkins, and a week left of this crazy diet. Benefits have been; not feeling hungry, not craving, being able to eat as much as you like, being forced to eat your greens for carbs, more energy(this one was weird bcus its not normal). Cons have been; peeing every 5 minutes(not literally, but a lot), forgetting to eat, craving bread.

So I’ve lost 3 pounds since last week and that feels great. I haven’t had much time on my hands at all since coming home and that was well expected, however, I do miss you guys and even though its 2am here in NY, I had to take out 5 minutes to blog it out really quick! I’m seriously considering vlogging but Im not sure- its a process.

I am looking forward to getting a good nights reast because I was walking all day! Oh- and my daughter turned 6 months old 3 days ago!

Well buddies I am officially fried. I feel like I had 20 drinks, but Im completely sober…

Will blog when I can- Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥

Not much has happened since the last time I blogged. My bf’s father never made it out of the hospital, he now has a serious addiction to pain pills and is making a big deal out of leaving unless he has a prescription. In the mean time, I have been staying with my bf at his house. The constant “not knowing” of when I’ll no longer be able to stay there is pretty much driving me insane. I keep thinking its my last day with him and there is so much tension between us because of it. The tension is making it hard for me to concentrate on my goals. I haven’t studied, I haven’t been doing good eating wise(with the exception of yesterday). I just feel sucky.

I saw a weight drop on my scale today- 206 from 208, which made me feel pretty happy, considering all the “not doings” I’ve been doing. Well, since I’m not seeing any changes(regarding my eating habits and feelings) I’ve decided to do something I am fully against. I am going to cut out carbs for about 2 weeks(not really cut it, limiting to 20). Now, I’ve talked a lot of crap in the past about this no carb bullshit(and it is bullshit, which is why I decided to only do it for 2 weeks)I want to drop some of my water and clean out my system of sugar, because lately, even though I’m not a sweets person, I’ve been craving some serious sweet stuff and its making me feel unsafe with myself. After I’m through with the 2 week process, I plan on going back to my portion size and lowering my sugar intake. I am NOT doing this as a weight loss regimen, nor as a long term diet. I said I dont believe in diets and I still dont. I just need to kick this habit of sugar. Two weeks is just enough to do it and its not enough to hurt me(which can happen if done long term).

I did Atkins when I was in my teens, about 10 times total. I always lost weight, but I always gained it right back after getting to my goal and thinking “the weight cant just come back on, can it?”. It was a horrible cycle of disappointment, and after doing all the research on it, I realized that it just wasn’t worth it. I remember the pains I would get in my side and worried about stones and bladder infections. It didnt really do me any justice, but if there’s one thing I can remember clearly, its that I stopped craving sweets(probably because all I wanted was bread lmao). So, yes, I am a hypocrite for the next two weeks, but as I said, I am not doing this to lose weight, Im only doing it to detox. Its this, or me giving up… and I am NOT giving up.

I have yet to go to the gym, which is upsetting, kind of make me want to cry. My bf visits his father after work everyday and doesnt pick me up until around 7 or 8 at night. At that time, my mother is ready for bed, so she cant watch my daughter for me. Ugh. So pissed. I’m seriously considering going to the Planet Fitness where I live, even though its in a horrible neighborhood, full of thugs and people who look like they have so much anger in them that they would start a fight just because of what you are wearing, but I’m going to give it another couple of days and see what happens with his father. I need to get to the gym. I miss it so much. We paid the full bill of 60 dollars and went for only 2 days. Its so frustrating to look at myself everyday and know I’m not doing anything serious about this body fat. I mean, I do my measly little workouts in the morning, but its nothing like being at the gym. The gym is my sanctuary, it made me feel whole, strong, brave and alive.

I’ll be letting you guys know how things are going over the next couple of days… stay tuned! Hugs!

Im sad to say that yet again, I have went right back up to 208. I was so happy last week, weighing in at 203, finally breaking the 208 plateau. Well, I’m back. Did I expect it? No. I cut out a lot of stuff that I was normally eating. Ugh. Either way, Its okay. It just means I have to work harder. Fall, get right back up. Obviously I was doing something wrong for me to put weight on, so I’ll make some more small changes.

On another note, I’m home. I’ve been staying with my boyfriend(father or my child) for about a month, while his father has been in the hospital with a hip replacement. I dont speak to his father. In fact, I’ve completely diminished him from my life. He is beyond disrespectful and the straw that broke the camel’s back was him saying my daughter was the “biggest mistake his son made”. He’s possessive and controlling. He belittles everyone and enjoys being miserable. Anyhow, he’s supposed to be coming home tonight. I’m gonna miss my baby(bf). We’ve been fighting a lot because he wants me to stay there, but I cant sit in a gas chamber while my bf sits there and stares, so I am home. I dont expect my bf to get us a place, because he doesnt have the money. Rent would take up 80% of his pay, and he just doesnt have it. So, who knows what is going to come of this, but the next time we are going to have a night together will probably be in August, on our Bahamas cruise.

I’m happy to announce my admission into the wildcats!!!! I was a part of the group about a year or two ago and I absolutely loved it. I love the people, the motivation, inspiration and the stories. So excited!

Today I am going to be unpacking my things. I should be starting the gym on Monday(if nothing prevents us, yet again), so I need to get my clothes gathered and prepared for the week(yes, I’m one of those obnoxious people who cant go to the supermarket without makeup- my personality includes making sure my nails are done and I have cute outfits for the gym!). Tomorrow I am definitely going to start studying! I only have a month until school starts and Chemistry is NOT my best friend, in fact she hates me! I also need to write out a strong food shopping list for this entire month and clean my fish tank- my poor fish have gone a month without a water change!

And………. my humiliation of the week- I was sitting on the porch on Wednesday. This woman and her two kids passed by and for having two children, her body was amazing. Anyhow, her son, who is about 5 years old, very quietly(but not quietly enough to be silent to my ears!) says to her, “Mommy why is she so fat?”. Guys, I almost broke down. I mean, I was this weight my whole life except for one year. I never heard something like that before. It literally broke my heart. Since then, I cant get his little innocent voice out of my head. I need to fix this physical issue. Like… Now!

-Perhaps I have lost my backbone. My strength. Perhaps this is why I gained all the weight back to begin with. I used to get the crude stares, the laughs, the shook heads when I would go into Dunkin Donuts(even just to get coffee!), it didnt matter to me then. When I lost weight, all I heard were compliments. In 2008, when I reached my goal weight of 130, a 7-8 year old girl at Sea world in FL said to me “are you a gymnast?”. When I asked her why, she replied “you have the body of a gymnast”. I felt amazing. Why? Because as some of you may know, children tell no lies. They dont know they are hurting peoples feelings, and they dont say things to try to make someone feel good about themselves either. Kids are my favorite critics. I want my inner gymnast back.

Lately, my bf has been helping me out a lot. He buys me everything that I need, does my nails, my toes, buys my food, personal items, etc. He’s been helping me out because my unemployment recently ran out. Thing is, I have 3 extra weeks, and they came on my card retroactive. This occurred about a week ago, and I haven’t said a word. I wish I could, but I know that if I say that I have it then he’ll stop helping me, and when school starts I wont have a dollar, which will be beyond hard for me. I’m in school full time so I know that if I haven’t found a job by now, I’m screwed for the fall. So this is my secret buddies, because I cant keep it to myself. I feel horrible about keeping it and want to say something so bad, but like I said, if I say something, he’ll immediately make sure I spend every dollar, so that he can control whatever and how much he gives me in the fall during school. How horrible is it that I’m keeping this from him?

This brings me to my next subject; Binge prevention. In allowing my bf to be in full control of the food being bought for consumption, I have been lacking a good selection of healthy foods. He’s cheap, so he doesn’t really care for calories, fat content, ingredients…. Only thing he cares to look at is the price, which as you know, is cause for destruction. Yesterday, due to the fact that there was absolutely nothing to eat all day, I ended up so hungry that I ate half of an entamannes cake. HALF! Why? Because I deprived myself all day. I starved, and when my bf brought the cake home, it was like a fresh steak to my raging pitbull(the one in my tummy lol). I felt gross afterward, almost threw it up. Then I drank some water and relaxed. This morning I went to the store, at 7:00am. I bought some good stuff to make sure I can eat what I want without feeling guilty today. I know how much that cake set me back and I have to stop it before it turns into a weeks worth of binges. Moral of this story; Be prepared, regardless of your situation… Have food in your kitchen for every meal and never allow yourself to go hungry!

And now for a little bit more of loving myself;

I am strong, courageous and persistent. I am patient with life, I am empathetic, sympathetic, loving and warm. I am goofy, which I like about myself. I am non-judgemental and I love everyone and all kinds of people, as long as they are happy. I have open arms and an open heart. I love animals and protect them. I am made tough, built to endure any and all pain brought my way. God has created this body, not to shield me from my pain, but to work in. I will not allow my body to take in the effects of my very own issues, the issues which cause me emotional pain. In the end, I am the master of my destiny and I will not allow myself to be unhealthy. Today I will embrace my body. I will walk with a shake, keep my back straight and stand tall, for I am proud of my body. My body is my life.

Its one of my biggest issues. Its the reason I feel like giving up sometimes. Its the blame for why I gained all this weight back to begin with. I dont give myself enough credit. I underestimate and belittle myself, subconsciously, of course. I’m starting to understand things better now. I am trying to get in as much working out as possible, trying to cope with everyday stresses without turning to food. Trying to convince myself of the facts of life, which is that I can deal. I can deal with stress, pain, anxiety, sadness, depression. I can put up with it! I dont need food to cope, I need food to live.

The past few days haven’t been exactly great. Its been 3 days and I haven’t really been overindulging, yet I haven’t been eating so healthy either. BUTTTTTT….My mother got back on Friday and tomorrow is Monday, and that means I get to go back to the gym!!! I can’t wait to hit that treadmill up and show him who’s boss. I cant wait to use my new gloves! I cant wait to use each and every thigh and buttocks machine there is! I cant wait! Did I mention, I cant wait?

My mother is making my favorite mac n cheese and I am going to eat my correct portion size and enjoy every blissful second of it. I have some cleaning up to do and then  I’ll be back on later to catch up on some of your blogs♥

Love you guys! May you be blessed and enjoy your day… Love yourself and treat your body right, even if you dont feel like you want to… Remember, your body is your vehicle on this road called life, treat it right, give it the right fuel and that baby will be running like it was built yesterday. Big hugs my loves♥

Yesterday I beat myself up for having overate during dinner. Although I was able to stop myself the day before, last night I couldn’t. I had a 6 hour drive to pick up my mother from New Jersey. My daughter was crying the entire time, my mother acted as though she didn’t care that anyone picked her up, I skipped lunch because there wasn’t anything healthy to eat on the go. The ride was supposed to be 2 hours, otherwise I would have brought something with me. Anyhow, when we finally got home, I cooked. I was controlling my portions up until I let my emotions control me. The thing about it is that I was well aware of why I was eating more. During that moment that I reached for my second dish, I knew what was happening. I acknowledged it and allowed it. Why? Because I look at mistakes as blessings in disguises. I know now, not to eat during an emotional episode. I know now, to breathe, go to the bathroom, step outside, read, come on buddy slim, something, instead of eating. I will never again, eat while I am stressed out. You have to get somewhere nasty and gritty in order to be able to truly appreciate real beauty, therefore, there is no such thing as messing up, its all part of the process it takes to get to your goal, success. Last night I ate a piece of cake as well. This, after dinner. I was craving and wanted to devour the entire box of that chocolate chip iced cake. However, I didn’t. I had exactly a 1/8 slice. It was good, I enjoyed it and I walked away from the table.

Today, I woke up to a bowl of cheerios. I passed the box of cake about 12 times so far. Boy, it smells, looks and sounds(yes I hear it calling me) so good. I came close, but stopped myself. Since I plan on having a slice later, for desert, I cannot and will not eat a slice now(one slice is 330 cals). Instead, I called my mother and offered her two slices. She accepted. Now there are 3 slices left. My bf eats two. One left for me. No way of over indulging! Woot! I feel so smart lmao. Now, I sit, eating a nice big bowl of grapes. Now that’s real comfort food. Food to comfort the body and mind.

Well bud’s, as usual, I have lots to do. Time is of the essence and its ticking away. I thank you so much for being here for me and everyone else. I truly could not do this, be so strong, have such determination and heart to do this, if it weren’t for you. Big hugs to all of my buddies! Luv ya!♥

I’m blogging in the moment of anger. Its a usual anger though, the everyday argument between the PIA(pain in the ass, aka my bf of 6 years and my childs father!!!) and I. Its always about something because, well long story short, he’s an asshole. I love him, but he is what he is and I accepted him this way so I knew what I was dealing with 6 years ago. Anyhow, getting off that subject, I’m upset. At the moment my stomach is churning. I feel a ball in my throat like I want to cry but I’m too angry and pissed off to show my tears. So, I won’t. The thing is, I just got a sudden urge to eat something. Anything, the urge to f*** this whole “eating healthy” thing up, to self destruct, to fail, on purpose. Then I caught myself. Why? Why do I want to hurt myself for being angry with someone else? I used to think my mother was crazy for having cut herself a few times when she was doing the hole “self mutilation” thing. She had(and still does) some serious issues. I felt bad for her, yet here I am doing it with food. Regardless of how you look at it, its still doing something to numb that feeling, keep it away, make the tummy feel better so that the mind feels better. However, I know better at this point. I know that this feeling will pass and that doing something bad right now will only sabotage my goals and hurt me even more. It wont do anything for me and if I was to do something stupid like eat a whole tub of ice cream, I’ll finish that tub still mentally drained and still in a deep emotionally depressed and hurt state of mind. So, I wont.

I feel better now that I got that out. Without having all of you to be here for me and hear me out, I wouldnt know where else to turn except for the refrigerator. Thank you, sincerely.

In case you are wondering why I am upset, here is the long story short- If you dont care to know(which is 100% fine lol) then skip this paragraph ;-)…. You see, this semester coming up, in September, I am going to be taking 4 intense classes. Foundations of Chemistry(eww), Introduction to veterinary terminology(diagnosing animals with symptoms), General psychology and Animal control. It had been advised to me that a good idea would be to buy the books for both intro to vet and chemistry in the summer in order to get a head start on studying. Chemistry is the most failed class in my college(with a fail rate of 60%). Anyhow, my unemployment benefits ran out a few weeks ago and my boyfriend had offered to purchase the books for me. Now, of course, on the day that we both were supposed to drive downtown to buy them, he comes up with a million excuses and tries his best to anger me into saying something that he knows will upset me. It worked. Now, he is saying he isnt going unless we keep the Ac off in the car, in 95° weather, with my 5 month old in the back seat of the car. So I tell him “Go F*** yourself you conniving piece of s***.”, many words followed but thats the main thing. Now, we arent going anywhere. Nice. Perhaps tomorrow when the argument is over we will end up going, but right now Im so pissed I cant even think.

On a better note, Ive been doing my best to stay strong. Aside from the depression and anxiety(alot having to do with Tom as well!), I have been sticking to my portions and not over indulging. My mother is coming home tomorrow so I can go to the gym soon if my bf pays the $20 bill. Well, I might blog again later tonight if I am feeling any better. I just had to get this off of my chest. I hope you guys dont mind and I thank you for listening and being there for me. I love you guys!!! Big hugs!!!

Good luck today and everyday and stay strong!!! xoxo

My oh so happy, go lucky, hyper-active attitude has been told to go home today after tom showed up at my door this morning. I feel horrible! I’m hot, moody, anxious, groggy, dizzy, nauseous… You name it, that’s what I’m feeling. All except hungry!!! Woohoo! For the first time I didnt go on a binge before tom came! Usually by now I’d be regretting the huge chocolate cake I ate, the Chinese food, something? Nope. Nothing! Let me tell you, I feel so proud of myself. I had so many chances to eat out. We even went to dunkin donuts last night and my bf sat in front of me and ate a warm, delicious smelling chocolate chip muffin, cut open and smeared with butter. I ate two MUNCHKINS! TWO! They satisfied me. I think my stomach is shrinking because I’ve been eating small portions. I dont know, all I know is I am uber proud of myself!

In other news, I decided to weigh in today (despite the fact that tom was smirking while I was contemplating it). 203. What?!? Amazing. I’ve been juggling 208-211 for the past 5 months(because I wasn’t really trying, to be honest). I feel great. Talk about being motivated. These past couple of days weren’t even really bad, yet I did it! It makes me feel so stupid for having put off the changes for 5 months!

Things I’ve been doing differently: When I want something, I try to see if I can find a healthy alternative, or a healthy way of making it myself. Either way, I serve myself on a 6″ dish, no more than an inch high and 4″ in diameter(No, I dont actually measure, I’m talking estimates). I eat frozen yogurt at night(mint chocolate chip mmnn!), and instead of serving myself in a bowl, I use a small 6oz cup, and a tiny tea spoon to eat it with. I always eat breakfast and I eat fruits during the day when I am hungry, or a serving of cereal and fat free milk. I’m also constantly trying to keep busy. I look for things to clean, and in the morning while I am brushing my teeth, I do a few squats.

Well buddy’s, I wish you luck today. Big hugs~~